12-27-11

Pathetic people. Do you pity them or hate them for their weakness. Her, I hate. Him, I’m annoyed at. Tumor on the bladder, tumor on the pelvis, and other little tumors all over the place. I don’t know how much longer she can live. By what the doctor said, her living to now is already quite an achievement and we should be happy with that. The time she has left, I wonder if she’s going to want to stay in or do something. I have no idea. Our relationship is so superficial but maybe I’m the only one who knows that. I’m not really sure what I’m feeling anymore. I think it’s just pity. It’s too tiring to keep the other emotions going.

better than this

Maturing means a lot of things. I don’t have all that much going for me. The one thing I do have is that I try harder than anyone I know. I’m damn proud of that. I’ve made leaps on my comfort level with myself. This one thing… I’m not sure why I can’t overcome. But, this is the next step. Cold turkey! Like every habit, once you start, it’s so hard to stop. So, cold turkey. Hands off. There’s no reason why I can’t overcome this. It’s such a waste of time and it’s so bad for me. It’s sadly for some reason stress relieving. I need to find a substitute. Music. That will be my substitute. I do have an inner peace. I just need to find it.

sad

I’m not really sure why I’ve been so moody these past few days. PMSing or the cigs? I wanna cry but then not really. I’m wondering what I’m living for, if it’s worth it. Why do I keep on coming back to this? I think I have a death wish. I keep fantasizing about it. The last few years, I’ve learned a lot, experienced a lot… not just bad, but good too. But it just doesn’t feel worth it. I don’t want to be the type of person so dependent on a relationship and honestly, I’m not needy or clingy in a relationship. But every time I’m not in one, I question if it’s worth it.

I wish I could be confident that I’d find someone. Someone who would appreciate how hard I try and share my desires of wanting to do these things together. I feel like I’m stuck in limbo. There’s so much I want to do in life. But I want to do it with that person. It doesn’t have the same meaning if I did these things by myself. I feel so pathetic and so confused. Damn it… where is this person? I know I can improve and develop myself so much when I’m single, but I can do that when I’m in a relationship too. I know I can now.

Now if I do meet this person, how do I make sure that my need for having a relationship doesn’t get in the way of judging if this person is right for me?

I know I’m still young, but I feel that I should be learning something… about myself? about life… if I’m single. Otherwise, I’m just miserable and single!

People are social creatures. I don’t have my person I can confide in. I’ve gotten better with friends. But it’s not the same. Maybe it’s because I never developed friendships growing up. I don’ t know. But honestly, it’s not something that I’m gonna learn by being single.

So what the fuck is your point in making me stay single?! I don’t want to keep on questioning if I wanna live or die. I don’t want to have to try so hard to want to live.

What if you don’t exist. Everything just happens or doesn’t. Well, then I guess it makes sense that I would question all this. I don’t know if people are meant to live without meaning. I think we need to believe that there’s something more, there’s some kind of purpose, for us to not be depressed.

So, I’m going to pretend that you definitely exist. The world’s a horrible place. I guess it’s gotten better, but there’s still so much bad. As a society, we’ve gotten much better at hiding it, but it’s still out there.

I feel like Frankenstein asking for a partner lol. If we were all partnered up, it doesn’t mean the questions and frustrations will go away, but you’d have someone there to always share that with. That’s why I want someone. Because I feel so alone. Alone in the way I think, I can’t connect with other people or something.

I’m sure, that if I stay single, I’ll manage. I’ll be as happy as I can be. But if you do exist, let me believe that there’s a reason I go through bad experiences. I don’t know what other life lesson I’m supposed to learn by staying single.

I need to meet my person. I wanna feel like the luckiest person in the world for being with this person.

the important stuff

Maybe part of the reason for being an adrenaline junkie is not knowing what’s important in life. You keep hoping that your life will flash before your eyes and you’ll have an epiphany about what you should do.

Ok… maybe I’m just an adrenaline junkie wannabe.

Seeing ppl older now, I think I’m gonna have it together when I’m their age. But time flies. I don’t want to wonder how I let time pass me by in 5 years.

So what do I want to do now?

mmm

I can do this!

my meditation

Two years and 1 day until I become a vegetable, I have a lot more maturing to do. I need to stop punishing myself for other people being asses. I need to take care of myself. One step at a time. I feel like I need to go over this every year at the end of summer.

I need some me-time. I can hope for things, but I can still enjoy life even if those things don’t come true. Life is a journey. And despite all the unpleasantries, I am anxious to see what happens next.

every now and then

just hafta remind myself: breathe

bigger picture.

Maybe there is one. I just need to have a little faith and patience. Take a chill pill, concentrate on the stuff I actually have some control over, and accept the rest.

from Ed Miller…

I know most people don’t think that highly of people who make money playing poker for a living – they aren’t the most disciplined/educated in the world, etc. I am not a professional poker player by any means, but poker really is an amazingly complex game. I came across an article written by Ed Miller today and it just really struck a nerve:

“I’d say that most aspiring players struggle with the psychology of the game more than anything else. Everyone can learn more or less what hands to raise preflop with. Everyone can figure out that this hand is good and that hand isn’t. And most people seem to be able to learn at least a fair bit of hand reading. But some people can never, ever get the torment of variance out of their heads.

As social a game as poker is, it’s also an extremely lonely one. You enjoy your wins and suffer your losses alone. No one knows how much you’ve won or lost today, this week, or this month. Even worse, no one cares. And I mean no one. Even your mom doesn’t care. When I play poker, my wife doesn’t care how I did. My friends don’t care. No one cares.

Furthermore, it’s very hard to get decent feedback. “Am I doing it right?” Can’t look to your results… there’s too much variance to figure much out. Can’t ask your friends… chances are your friends are idiots. You can post hands on the Internet, but even then you often don’t get a satisfying outcome.

So you’ve played for weeks or months or even years. You win sometimes and you lose sometimes. No one you know cares much either way. And you can’t even figure out if you’re on the right track.

“Is anyone out there?” (Echos.) “Am I doing this right?” (Echos.) “Can anybody hear me?” (Echos.) The loneliness is enough to drive poker players totally batty. And its enough to drive their games squarely into the crapper too…

Here’s my way of looking at it. Poker is not a social game. Not if you care to play it well, that is. Learning to play poker well is a solitary exercise. It’s an exercise in introspective spirituality. There’s no good way to measure whether you’re a good player or not. It has to come from within…

I can only be satisfied with how far I’ve come and be eager for the journey ahead…

Your results are irrelevant. All that matters is if you are better today than you were yesterday. Only then will you be awesome.“

push!

3.5 more months… must keep… pushing self… hard… ugh! then, will resume having a life…