Maybe part of the reason for being an adrenaline junkie is not knowing what’s important in life. You keep hoping that your life will flash before your eyes and you’ll have an epiphany about what you should do.
Ok… maybe I’m just an adrenaline junkie wannabe.
Seeing ppl older now, I think I’m gonna have it together when I’m their age. But time flies. I don’t want to wonder how I let time pass me by in 5 years.
So what do I want to do now?
Two years and 1 day until I become a vegetable, I have a lot more maturing to do. I need to stop punishing myself for other people being asses. I need to take care of myself. One step at a time. I feel like I need to go over this every year at the end of summer.
I need some me-time. I can hope for things, but I can still enjoy life even if those things don’t come true. Life is a journey. And despite all the unpleasantries, I am anxious to see what happens next.
Maybe there is one. I just need to have a little faith and patience. Take a chill pill, concentrate on the stuff I actually have some control over, and accept the rest.
I know most people don’t think that highly of people who make money playing poker for a living – they aren’t the most disciplined/educated in the world, etc. I am not a professional poker player by any means, but poker really is an amazingly complex game. I came across an article written by Ed Miller today and it just really struck a nerve:
“I’d say that most aspiring players struggle with the psychology of the game more than anything else. Everyone can learn more or less what hands to raise preflop with. Everyone can figure out that this hand is good and that hand isn’t. And most people seem to be able to learn at least a fair bit of hand reading. But some people can never, ever get the torment of variance out of their heads.
As social a game as poker is, it’s also an extremely lonely one. You enjoy your wins and suffer your losses alone. No one knows how much you’ve won or lost today, this week, or this month. Even worse, no one cares. And I mean no one. Even your mom doesn’t care. When I play poker, my wife doesn’t care how I did. My friends don’t care. No one cares.
Furthermore, it’s very hard to get decent feedback. “Am I doing it right?” Can’t look to your results… there’s too much variance to figure much out. Can’t ask your friends… chances are your friends are idiots. You can post hands on the Internet, but even then you often don’t get a satisfying outcome.
So you’ve played for weeks or months or even years. You win sometimes and you lose sometimes. No one you know cares much either way. And you can’t even figure out if you’re on the right track.
“Is anyone out there?” (Echos.) “Am I doing this right?” (Echos.) “Can anybody hear me?” (Echos.) The loneliness is enough to drive poker players totally batty. And its enough to drive their games squarely into the crapper too…
Here’s my way of looking at it. Poker is not a social game. Not if you care to play it well, that is. Learning to play poker well is a solitary exercise. It’s an exercise in introspective spirituality. There’s no good way to measure whether you’re a good player or not. It has to come from within…
I can only be satisfied with how far I’ve come and be eager for the journey ahead…
Your results are irrelevant. All that matters is if you are better today than you were yesterday. Only then will you be awesome.“
3.5 more months… must keep… pushing self… hard… ugh! then, will resume having a life…
must stop that thing! omg wtf is wrong with me. need to take care of my body. starting now, no more.
i haven’t been known to get insomnia…my mom said i could fall asleep standing up when i was 2.
asd;lfkjas;er!~ i miss having a relationship =(. i can’t relax. i’m optimistic, but not happy. and i know i want a relationship badly, but i have so little control over that. i need patience, and impatience is probably my worst quality. it’s making me so restless and making me push myself so hard. i just feel that life is so short. normal lifespan isn’t that long. because of all the crap that went on before, i don’t remember the first half of my life. and the only two relatives i liked and really cared about, both had cancer youngish. one died from it and the other is going thru chemo. i always wished i had childhood friends i grew up with. but i moved 14 times before turning 14 and i have almost no childhood memories anyways. i wanna find someone early and spend as many years as i can with this person. such an idiot… gave so much in that last relationship. she didn’t ask for it. ugh, i’m not over the 10k dollars and tattoo.
i’m not ready for a relationship. i can’t tell if i actually like the person or if i just have no one else better to like and hafta like someone because i want a relationship. and if i get into a relationship at this point, i’ll be too dependent on it… and that’s bad.
last time i was single, i did a lot of stupid drunken stuff. i can’t now cause i hafta drive afterwards. i’m learning patience… or i’ll just break under the pressure i put on myself and end up being a bum. for now, i’m just going to concentrate on work. still continue meeting people/maintaining connections, but no relationships until at least after May sittings. i’m making a commitment to get some stuff done before i get into another relationship. and to make a commitment, i need to realize that there always will be a choice… and i hafta keep on choosing the same thing.
career goals… (this may need to be updated after I receive exam results next week)
personal…
random…
