I’m not really sure why I’ve been so moody these past few days. PMSing or the cigs? I wanna cry but then not really. I’m wondering what I’m living for, if it’s worth it. Why do I keep on coming back to this? I think I have a death wish. I keep fantasizing about it. The last few years, I’ve learned a lot, experienced a lot… not just bad, but good too. But it just doesn’t feel worth it. I don’t want to be the type of person so dependent on a relationship and honestly, I’m not needy or clingy in a relationship. But every time I’m not in one, I question if it’s worth it.
I wish I could be confident that I’d find someone. Someone who would appreciate how hard I try and share my desires of wanting to do these things together. I feel like I’m stuck in limbo. There’s so much I want to do in life. But I want to do it with that person. It doesn’t have the same meaning if I did these things by myself. I feel so pathetic and so confused. Damn it… where is this person? I know I can improve and develop myself so much when I’m single, but I can do that when I’m in a relationship too. I know I can now.
Now if I do meet this person, how do I make sure that my need for having a relationship doesn’t get in the way of judging if this person is right for me?
I know I’m still young, but I feel that I should be learning something… about myself? about life… if I’m single. Otherwise, I’m just miserable and single!
People are social creatures. I don’t have my person I can confide in. I’ve gotten better with friends. But it’s not the same. Maybe it’s because I never developed friendships growing up. I don’ t know. But honestly, it’s not something that I’m gonna learn by being single.
So what the fuck is your point in making me stay single?! I don’t want to keep on questioning if I wanna live or die. I don’t want to have to try so hard to want to live.
What if you don’t exist. Everything just happens or doesn’t. Well, then I guess it makes sense that I would question all this. I don’t know if people are meant to live without meaning. I think we need to believe that there’s something more, there’s some kind of purpose, for us to not be depressed.
So, I’m going to pretend that you definitely exist. The world’s a horrible place. I guess it’s gotten better, but there’s still so much bad. As a society, we’ve gotten much better at hiding it, but it’s still out there.
I feel like Frankenstein asking for a partner lol. If we were all partnered up, it doesn’t mean the questions and frustrations will go away, but you’d have someone there to always share that with. That’s why I want someone. Because I feel so alone. Alone in the way I think, I can’t connect with other people or something.
I’m sure, that if I stay single, I’ll manage. I’ll be as happy as I can be. But if you do exist, let me believe that there’s a reason I go through bad experiences. I don’t know what other life lesson I’m supposed to learn by staying single.
I need to meet my person. I wanna feel like the luckiest person in the world for being with this person.
